Dating Is Shit.

I was recently dating a man who (I still think) was absolutely perfect for me (he wasn’t, or he’d have come to the realization that he had the same feelings about us as I did and not, as he told me after a week of deliberation, no feelings for me at all - but I’m not quite at the stage where that’s sunk in yet, so I’m still sad about it). He was a ridiculously intelligent, charming, cheeky, funny, sexy film nerd who was deeply into music and wasn’t at all clingy or needy. He was as excited about my shoes as I am. I taught him how to make home made popcorn and he gave me a lesson on his silenced, electronic drum kit. We spent hours and hours, tangled up on his sofa or mine, watching movies - including the credits. I’ve never met anyone before (I don’t think) who does that. I thought it was just me. 

He ended it two weeks ago and I was devastated. He’d said things to me that made me think there was a lot more to come and for weeks, despite problems with work and impending doom, I’d begun to feel quite joyful; like the me I used to be a very, very long time ago.

I’ve been thinking a lot over the past couple of weeks about the whole dating scene and the people that occupy it. 

The term ‘friends with benefits’ is rife. I despise that term with every fibre of my being. What does it mean? Surely, friends with benefits is how you’d describe a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. Two people who care about each other (because friends do, right?), spending time together and getting to do filthy things to each other. Am I wrong? Because it seems to me that ‘friends with benefits’ is used as some kind of get out of jail free card. It’s used to describe no-strings-attached arrangements that are discarded with little or no compassion or sensitivity. That’s not friends with benefits, that’s just hooking up and when you discover that you were unknowingly and unwillingly one half of one such arrangement it’s a bitter pill to swallow.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m aware that there are people in ‘friends with benefits’ relationships for whom the term is probably accurate but it seems to me that the inaccurate description has become the norm as far as what you should expect when you’re starting to get to know someone. For those of us who are old fashioned(!) in our approach to relationships, this is quite alarming.

When you have feelings for someone I think you give away a piece of yourself that you can’t get back. What that means is that every breakup makes the hole you’re trying to fill a little bigger. On top of that, as if repeatedly meeting new people all the time wasn’t exhausting enough, when you do meet someone you like, you’re a bit more guarded than you were the last time, which makes you not very easy to get to know. I know this is true in my case, anyway.

Humans are blessed (and cursed) with emotions. Why don’t they seem to want to use them any more? Is it fear? Or are we turning into a race that just sees other people as consumables?

I am a lonely, terrified romantic. I remain, however, a hopeful one.

The search continues…